The chaos that is my life.

So 6 months ago, I quit my PhD. It was probably the toughest decision of my life. Not because I knew for a fact I had to leave, but because I had to weigh out the consequences of leaving something stable with absolutely no backup plan at all. The reasons to leave however far outweighed the fear of uncertainty. I thought, better to leave it all than bear with the constant turmoil of being caught in something you don't like. "Neuroscience is a brilliant field, you will go places, what is wrong with you". I heard quite a bit of this and more. But when I am unhappy, almost nothing can stop me from leaving it behind, I don't know if that is a good thing or bad, but I don't have the patience to put up with things I cannot tolerate, or live with a heavy heart. In any case, I quit without giving anyone much chance to convince me otherwise. With a little bit of savings and a rough plan in mind, I had a whole new world of possibilities to look forward to, probably the most liberated I have felt in years. I decided to do something I love from now on, or at least give it a shot, so that I have no regrets in the future or I'd have only myself to blame.

So I applied to places in India where some excellent conservation research was being done and I landed up in Agumbe, the most beautiful rainforest I have ever seen. It wasn't easy convincing my family to let me go there by myself, and hence I had my cousin brother tag along as some sort of a bodyguard. Luckily for me, he was into wildlife as well, so convincing him to come along was a breeze and so we set off to the Western ghats of India . The Agumbe Rainforest Research Station, is an unassuming place. There is only the bare minimum there and everything runs on solar power. The people who work there are equally unassuming, welcoming and extremely knowledgeable. People from all walks of life walk through ARRS every day of the year, researchers, soul searchers, students and just people wanting to get away from the chaos of bustling cities. 2 weeks at ARRS, and I learnt so many things, saw so many birds, some mammals, illustrated a bird field guide, searched for days for some leopard scat, set up camera traps and eagerly hoped we would catch something on it! The only thing we did catch was a wild buffalo who roams the grounds. Agumbe left an undeniable mark on me, besides the whole lot of leech bite marks. There is something about that place. I can't seem to find a fitting word to describe it, but there is something about that place. In any case, I left Agumbe, wiser and more enriched and was looking forward to my next adventure in the Madras Crocodile Bank, which was a trust set up to save endangered crocodiles all the way back in the 70's by a man who came from America and made India his home. That was not to be,as I fell quite sick and had to be in the hospital for a while, which meant that my dad wouldn't allow me to go anywhere else but back home. I decided not to push my luck and ended up just catching up with the amazing friends I have in Chennai.

One fine day, I needed some old newspaper and I found one and tore out a page, while I was going to crush it up, I spotted a title which said snake film festival at karadi malai. Honestly I had no idea where that was but I knew I had to go, so I went ahead, called the number and ended up at the place where I would meet the man who started all of herpetology conservation in India, Rom Whitaker. As luck would have it, everyone else who signed up cancelled due to the holiday season, it was pongal time, so it was just me and my cousin brother there. It was literally a private screening of all their Nat Geo documentaries. What an honour to be able to sit there and watch all of this with this amazing, down to earth man, and ask him all the questions I have wanted to know about wildlife conservation and filmmaking. We spent a day and a half there, which included a walk into the forest with Rom, meeting a member from the IRULA tribe and see first-hand how adept they are at catching snakes and walking around at night with a UV torch, looking for scorpions. I must mention the so very yummy raagi pancakes that Rom made us for breakfast. It felt like I was visiting someone's house as a guest, Rom and Janaki were such gracious hosts, making us feel like we were at home and didn't show a single sign of the esteemed celebrity status they enjoy in the conservation community. Through the time I spent there, I opened up to Rom about my love for wildlife and he offered to show me around croc bank and to consider an opportunity of working there with them. Who says no to such opportunities, so a few days later I visited MCBT for the first time in my life and had the privilege of being shown around by the man who spent most of his life building it. I got to meet a few more wonderful people, by now I was beginning to have huge respect for these herp people, because most of us like dealing with animals that are cute and cuddly. It takes a whole lot more to work with scary, scaly reptiles. Discussions go on and I decide to come back and give it a shot.

I returned back to Singapore and worked for a whole month with my animals at Night Safari, the place that which despite everything that goes on, I can never seem to leave. While I was working on that, I got a call from an old friend to come back and work with their team on the new TV project that they were working on. So for the next month and a half I was part of the team of Kshatriyan, a 45 episode TV drama. Conservation to media? Well I have always been a sucker for movies, wanted to be a model, an actress, what not, if you grow up as an Indian child, watching Indian movies, you're bound to have these thoughts at some point in your life. The media has always fascinated me and having worked with these guys before in another TV drama, I knew what lay in store for me. It has been a challenging time but one that has taught me so much. I have learnt a gazillion things about production and how it is not as easy as people make it seem. All the beauty and glamour you see on screen has so much hard work going into it at the back. I am having a blast, literally. Everyone in the team has so much to share and there is a never ending dearth of knowledge with each of them. It is one big happy family and they have welcomed me with open arms. I have seen and done almost everything that can be done, including acting and dubbing, not only for me but for others. Haha. What an amazing experience this has been. As the tele movie premieres today, I am extremely proud and happy, but it also reminds me that my time here is running out, it’s almost time to head back to India to try out the job and who knows what that will bring.

The past few months have been extremely challenging, made me doubt my self-worth a lot, made me question my life decisions, made me feel lost, but somewhere in the chaos of it all, I have been serenely happy, something I didn’t feel when I was living a more orderly life. So maybe sometimes life is not all about being in the perfect job, making a lot of money and being pompous about it. Sometimes life is about not knowing what you want to do and where you want to be, but allowing yourself to do exactly just that, be vulnerable. Through this all I must thank my parents, they may not be happy with what I am doing, but they have let me be and I am so grateful to them for that. I am probably never going to be doing the typical, normal things that people do in life, for one I really think we should be able to do different jobs at different times, there is so much to learn in this world, why restrict yourself to one field? But oh well, the naysers will have a lot to say to that and that is not my aim with this post. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do after 2 months in India trying out some exciting roles, but that’s how it is. And if it were only up to me to be happy for it, I’d say bring it on. The adventure continues.

To be human is to be broken and broken is its own kind of beautiful. – R.M. Drake